It's a dud of a writing day for me, but I somehow, press on. Thank god I am shopping today with a couple of friends at a yard sale for the benefit of the local Angels of Assisi, a no-kill shelter. This week I have been a bit off kilter...lumps on my head with headaches, no menstrual cycle for 2 months, various daily stressors, the stressful daily news that I will skip on this post. It's too much hassle for right now.
There is too much on the news to stretch the emotions, and trigger the PTSD, to be comfortable watching it. So I simply try to manage my daily routine, and the kittens vs. my unicorn meat eating cats war, that's going on. I am partially successful at all of it.
I take a shower every other day, and feed the kittens and clean the litterboxes, and look up, and it's 5 pm. Sometimes I remember to take my pills and sometimes not. Are the lumps on my head hormonal, or an aneurysm? Go to the local grocery store, buy kitten food, and it's 2 pm. Feed them, let the dog out for a moment, and lie down for an unknown length of time and it's 3 am. The cats aren't sleeping with me, are they that upset? Will the kittens go to good homes? Are the headaches from the lumps, or the pollen or hormones, or stress, or diet, or medication?
My impatience with other people rules me. My impatience with myself-I let myself get plucked like a cheap, kid's guitar- bothers me. It's 3 am and I drink coffee, and the dog moves his legs in dreams. Rat Cat snores at my feet. I forgot to pick up my sleep medication, although I went to the pharmacy specifically to do that. What does my doctor really think the head stuff is?
I washed the dishes and watch a spider web grow in the doorway to the closet room. Georgia has found her place to hide on the stairs, and it's warm there, too. The dog is unusually attached to me tonight, today. He is jealous, too. But the fascination he feels for the kittens surpasses any doubts that plague his mind that they will replace him. He is the only dog. That is his place in the universe.
I feel guilty that I missed group therapy, and individual therapy this week. I was very ill, Wednesday morning. I, dutiful, went to the doctor. Bug going around, lalalaa. Or is it the PTSD? I have gastro problems with it. Has it been triggered? Are the kittens hungry? Do I have some yoghurt? Fruit?
My prescriptions have run out, some of them. The letter from the Medical Board of Virginia came last week? This week? They have decided not to pursue a case against the doctor that sexually assaulted me. He's gone to trial on similar charges under a District Attorney later convicted of soliciting sex from victims.
It's a very sick set of circumstances. I go to see a neurologist next week about my head. It needs examination.
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