Frost and Goat Milk

I got home from visiting a friend last night, and Verbena was dying...and then Ash. Long, long story short: I believe it was the Hartz orphan supplement. They are clean now, and warm and full of an emergency mix, of goat milk, Iams kitten soft food, and egg yolk. Do Not try this at home. It is absolutely shocking that Verbena made it. She could not raise her head when I got home. I wait for Angels to open, and Petsmart, to get the proper formula. Who the hell knew?

I felt a crowd of emotion when I was talking to the Angels of Assisi staff, one who called from West Virginia...and now? Nothing. I feel as if I were vaguely angry, but really, nothing. Is this the Abilify? I have been taking it since January, and have felt nothing but deep depression...is it the winter or the Abilify? The paranoia is somewhat lessened, but at the cost of being happy? I can feel panic...but nothing else?

It doesn't bode well for the Abilify, that I feel this way. I don't feel in charge, or calm. Just nothing, like a void. Actually, I feel fear, tinkling around in my head, like a broken window. And despair. I felt despair last night. I remember now.

I am grateful I didn't feel like cutting or drinking. The orphan I did raise successfully, Minkins, is curled nearby and his purr is calming. I have scrubbed the kittens. Their favorite place to sleep is the litter box, after they have used it, and Mandrake rolled around in some human baby food, and Iams kitten soft food all night. Every towel, bathcloth, and hand towel in the house is dirty, smeared with kitten stuff...

I took Verbena on my chest, to ease her passing, and I could not stop her head from lolling, or get her to swallow. Her eyes glazed over, and I stroked her and waited. Now it is morning and I am tired, as I am sure they are. My dog is tired, the apartment is tired, the furnishings. Small bowls of goop line the counter in the kitchen and used syringes, without the needle, to feed them.

I don't have racing thoughts, or feel manic anymore. It's simply near daybreak, and time to lie down again, for a bit.