It's happening again. I am becoming paranoid. I wrote a friend this morning, something coalesced for me. The last time in my life I kept waking at a ridiculous time and drinking massive amounts of caffeine and eating sugar, my mother was dying. I have to find out what is triggering this kind of stress in my life.
On one hand, my mother asked me to single-handedly help her 'into death.' And at this time, I feel I am being asked to participate in a project too big for me to handle. Borderline people show signs of extreme stress when they think that the load of what they are responsible for, is being increased. I AM trying to think of a better sentence in English to explain it. But I fail.
It looks like another talk this morning with my therapist, and my sponsor, and thank god I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, soon. In group, I am taught that perception is what it is all about. My interpretation of an event(s), makes, shapes my world.
Big things are going on in the life of a friend. I am being asked to invest. I feel I can't say no. Voila. Illness. And this morning, I feel the full realization and weight of my diagnoses. I feel sick as shit. I wait patiently, and not so patiently, but forcibly, for the rest of my support network to wake up, so I can talk to someone. It's just my illness. It is terrible at this hour. But I can't keep my support without consideration that my support network sleeps normally. I have to wait. Somehow, for the next three hours, I must keep from cutting, or drinking.
It really is that bad right now. I want to cry. I am crying. Suddenly, every character defect and every fear of abandonment, is right here with me. I am overwhelmed, and I wish I could call someone. I realize that I don't have to 'past trip' as my therapist calls it, to realize I am caught in a pattern from the past.
Does my 'bestest' friend love me? Will she tell me this morning, she just can't live with my disorders any more?
I just cut. Can I call my therapist now?
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