*For those of you who don't know or like the page on Facebook, "I fucking love Science"
And it sleets in this part of the world. Which exactly matches my mood this morning. Kinda silvery, fragile, yet dangerous...
One of the unicorn meat eating cats is desperately trying to imitate being a computer key, so he can get all the strokes I am giving the keyboard. It's also hard to pry him away from the nice fan that pumps cat-warm air from underneath the laptop. But I do have to draw the line when he lies down on the keyboard.
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Facing the emotions left over from a scarring incident is harder to live through than the scarring incident. The broad look is this: women are supposed to feel and express positive emotions. Focusing on and expressing emotions like rage, hopelessness, fear, anger, and vulnerability is so hard that I cannot think of a way to describe it...except as a scene from a forest. You are walking in a beautiful wood, and run across a circle of trees struck by lightening, or a sudden, sharp downblast of wind. The trees are still lovely and green, but the exquisitely sharp teeth of the broken trunks gleam...
Your heart is broken for the ravaged grove, and silence cloaks the trees nearby. A feeling of contemplation is in the air. And horror. You stop and stare. You have never seen the like. You feel as frozen as the sap on the trunks. In time, moss will grow and creatures rework this grove until the signs of grief disappear.
Nothing breaks the silence as you leave the wood, except for the quiet drone of bees...
It's one thing to be a sopping mess all the time... it is completely another to allow yourself to get caught up and "feel" the emotion. We all need a good cry... a good anger vent... anything. I realized part of my anxiety issues stemmed from the fact that I never allowed those emotions to surface and be seen in all their glory at the time I feel them and to understand their role in personal well-being.
ReplyDeleteThanks Amanda. This was a very controlled event with supervision from 2 therapists trained in that kind of therapy. I would venture not to do this kind of soul searching alone...but I do know what you are talking about. Living in the moment...which is very valuable in itself.
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